Changing Fathers, Evolving Practices

s

INSTITUT NATIONAL DE SANTÉ PUBLIQUE DU QUÉBEC CENTRE DE DOCUMENTATION

MONTRÉAL

Workshop #3

D e v e l o p m e n t • f i n d i v i d u a l

a n d c o l l e c t i v e

Participant Guide

Produced by the « unité Écologie humaine et sociale • Maisonneuve-Rosemont Hospital agent

Design Francine Ouellet, Régie régionale de Santé et des Services sociaux de Montréal-Centre, Direction de la santé publique Gilles Forget Régie régionale de Santé et des Services sociaux de Montréal-Centre, Direction de la santé publique

• >

Project coonOnotlon Luc Thériault, Régie régionalé de la Santé et des Services sociaux de Montréal-Centre, Direction des ressources humaines

Adult education specialist Denis Saint-Jacques

Advisory committee Jean-François Leblanc, Centre de ressources éducatives et pédagogiques (CREP) Commission scolaire de Montréal Yvon Lemay, Carrefour familial Hochelaga-Maisonneuve Cathy Murphy, CLSC Côte-des-Neiges Manuel Prats, CLSC Hochelaga-Maisonneuve Daniel Puskas, Centres Jeunesse de Montréal

With the support of Groupe de recherche et d'action sur la victimisation des enfants (GRAVE), a research team sponsored by the CORS Institut national de santé publique du Québec (INSPQ)

Graphics and lay-out Annick Paradis, espresso communications & design Chantai Langevin, Régie régionale de la Santé et des Services sociaux de Montréal-Centre, Direction de santé publique

Translation Jacqueline Nadel

© Direction de santé publique Agence de développement de réseaux locaux de services de santé et de services sociaux de Montréel (2004) All rights reserved

Copyright : 2nd quarter 2004 Bibliothèque nationale du Québec Bibliothèque nationale du Canada

ISBN : 2-89494-418-7

How can we reach fathers in their daily lives? This third workshop proposes concrete means to reach fathers in both individual and collective practices and introduces the con-cept of interdependence between community organizations and agencies around the topic of paternal involvement.

What are men's reactions and expectations with regard to help? What are their expecta-tions of practitioners when the family needs help? What do fathers look or do not look for? Are there areas which are less interesting and areas which are more interesting to fathers? Can we develop principles to reach fathers from our research and experiences?

When wef practitioners or teams, are asked to help a family in which the father is not pre-sent, do we believe it is important to involve him? If not, why? If yes, how do we reach him? What are the concrete means we use to attract fathers' interest and involve them in our interventions?

In the case of a collective practice, which are the local community resources best suited to promote the involvement of fathers? As an example, who is best positioned to help fathers develop their skills or influence their spouses' attitudes and beliefs towards the involvement of fathers and the sharing of family responsibilities? Who can contribute to providing meet-ing places for fathers? Who can help fathers improve living conditions for themselves and their family?

Can we act together on some aspects of the involvement? How do we develop our partner-ship to promote the involvement of fathers?

workshop #2 Il G

The objectives of this third workshop is to:

• Examine some reactions and expectations from men with regard to help

• Learn some principles to reach fathers

• Identify concrete means to reach fathers

• Look into how community organizations and agencies complement each other in the area of paternal involvement

w o r k s h o p # 3 |

T i m e r e q u i r e d

10 minutes

20 minutes

10 minutes

35 minutes

10 minutes

35 minutes

50 minutes

10 minutes

A c t i v i t i e s

1. Welcome; outline of the third workshop

2. Review of the first two workshops: • Review previous exercises / Share reactions • Review the results of the questionnaire

"Analysis of the place of fathers in our services and agencies'

3. Are there any basic principles to reach fathers ? • Brief discussion

4. Develop concrete means to reach fathers • Team work based on family help requests

Break • Shopping for publications and tools

5. Share ideas and concrete means to reach fathers • Return to full group • Additional ideas to reach fathers

6. How do community organizations and agencies complement each other in the area of paternal involvement • Team games on our interdependence ties • Return to full group • Notes and lessons for the intervention

7. Closing remarks • Activity among workshops • Review of the workshop and evaluation

w o r k s h o p # 3 |

• Steps in the Help Request Non-requestor response

1. Identification of a problem which requires help to solve

i 2. Decide to request help

Cost/benefits evaluation

i 3. How to find help-

strategies and tactics Cost/benefits evaluation

i • Success or failure of the approach

1. I do not see a problem; I do not need help

2. I accept the problem; do nothing; I will solve it myself

3. I do not agree with the practitioner who is providing help

This graphic has been modeled on the Gross and McMullen Model described by Germain Dulac (1997). The men's requests for help. Research report AIDRAH (Action intersectorielle pour le développement et la recherche sur l'aide aux hommes).

workshop #3 |

In the masculine culture, socialization and roles "do not promote the expression of feelings or self analysis, but are tied to adequacy, success and self-actualization; self-confidence, aggressiveness and boldness".

In our society, men are reluctant to address problems or ask for help. As an example:

• Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness in our society "The masculine culture values qualities such as, autonomy, and we know that mens self esteem is based on their ability to be autonomous. Seeking and requesting help can only be seen in our society as a sign of weakness, a sign of non-masculinity."

• Self denial, be resigned in face of adversity "...men are expected to be resigned when they encounter adversity. Such an attitude does not allow any expression of pain and suffering." "...those who want to be totally autonomous and controlling, negate their pain, their hurt Their life is often a continuum of pain and suffering..."

• Afraid to look ridiculous "For certain individuals, asking for help is embarrassing as it reflects a lack of adequacy (internal) with regard to social norms."

• Be in control... until the end "Another masculine characteristic is the will to remain in control of a situation. Many men who are going through difficult times try desperately to maintain the same lifestyle and hide what they are going through. They do not grieve and they stay away from other people, even at the risk of losing friends and family. They even increase their control over their life and the life of others. In order to protect their privacy, they will devise strategies which will hide their problems from others."

This section on men's reactions concerning help is taken from a study of Germain Dulac in the context of AIDRAH {Action intersectorielle pour le développement et la recherche sur l'aide aux hommes). This study comprised approximately sixty men recruited from agencies providing support to men with psychosocial problem, pages 24 to 28

workshop #3 |

The following comments were gathered from men who were asked what their expectations are when they ask for help or when they are receiving help:

• Maintain their self-adequacy "...men want to rétain their feeling of self-adequacy even if they are asking for help (...) they want to remain in control of the situation. Their expectations are in tine with this notion.

• Being listened to with empathy; must have complete trust before they show their pain Men who are used to compete to establish and maintain relationships, "are afraid to get too close and do not open up easily (...) opening one self to others can only happen when there is complete trust" "Men find it difficult to ask for help because they are afraid to be judged or rejected."

• Remain anonymous, keep it confidential "Men are afraid that if they ask for help, everyone will know about it, as they believe that consulting a specialist is not normal for a man. Seeking help has a label attached to it."

• Being able to request tools (practical tips, tricks, recipes) "In real life situations, one way to express emotions is to ask for tools. This is logical, as very often men only see a problem as an organizational problem."

• To make up one's mind "Generally speaking, if men request tools to solve a very specific problem, they do not want to be told what to do. They ask to be left alone to take the necessary action. Contrary to what we often hear, men do not expect a global solution. They are looking for an explanation as to why they are experiencing this problem, in short, they are look-ing for a logical explanation."

• Requests for help which are not clear Because men's behaviour is not what practitioners are used to when they meet patients (passiveness, dependence, submission), they find it difficult to read men's requests for help. As an example, when men ask for help, they can be perceived as aggressive or controlling instead of expressing anguish.

This section on men's reactions concerning help is taken from a study of Germain Dulac in the context of AIDRAH {Action intersectorielle pour le développement et la recherche sur l'aide aux hommes). This study comprised approximately sixty men recruited from agencies providing support to men with psychosocial problem, pages 17 to 23

workshop # 3 |

Each adult must adjust to his/her new parent role. For the man, the coming of fatherhood may bring about adjustment problems.

Problems encountered b y fathers Possible consequenci

A t t h e b i r t h of his chi ld

Personal adjustment • Fathers who had not wished or planned the birth

of their child • Fathers who see the responsibilities associated with

the birth of a child in a negative way (education, money, loss of freedom)

• Fathers who have adverse physical reactions when they are told they will become fathers, such as the . "comrade" symptom

Readjustment with spouse • Fathers who do not understand or do not accept their

spouse's behaviour changes which are caused by her pregnancy

• Fathers who find it difficult to go through the transition of a couple without children to a couple with children

Adjustment to their new father role • Fathers who are not at ease with their new born child • Fathers who are not able to develop a direct relationship

with their child, a relationship based on physical contacts and emotions

W h e n t h e r e is a s e p a r a t i o n / d i v o r c e

Personal adjustment • Fathers who did not see the separation coming and

are troubled by it

Fatherhood/spousal relationship • For some, not being in a couple relationship equals not

being a parent • Being physically separated or being a week-end father

feels as if fatherhood and control are taken away • After a two-year separation, it is not uncommon to see

less frequent father-child contacts • After a separation, fathers frequently move quickly

into another relationship.

Adjustment problems can lead

to escapism (alcohol, drugs,

violence, separation, moving,

excessive work...) which can

be a way to repress feelings

and regain control

workshop # 3 |

Awareness of our own perceptions and beliefs towards fathers Be aware of our own personal reactions and professional and institutional culture biases towards fathers and men. As an example: "Do we feel we are neglecting the mother if we take care of the father ? Is the time spent with the father, time taken away from the mother?" "Do we have prejudices against fathers and men which prevent us from being available to address their needs ?"

Develop attitudes which promote trust Count on the parents' adequacy. Put your trust in the resourcefulness of fathers and their ability to learn to be affectionate, responsible, available and their desire to be fathers who take care of their children. We must persevere and focus on long-term results.

Reach for fathers, do not wait for fathers to come to us It is important to reach for fathers by using different ways to reach them (use a man to recruit them, make sure to find out if there is a man in the family, go through the wives to reach them, go to places where fathers go: playground, arena, work).

Begin from the fathers' needs Accept fathers as they are and be attentive to their needs and interests. A father is not only a spouse or a father, he is first of all an individual, a man on a development path, as the mother is first of all a woman on a development path.

Work on practical and concrete situations In general, men are more comfortable doing something rather than exchanging which they see as gossiping. They are happy to share activities with their child. When they are not at work, they prefer to spend time with their family. They seem to enjoy family activities more than group meetings with other fathers. They enjoy the organization and the planning of these family activities.

Recognize the importance of each and every member of the family (family approach) All family members are important: the child is important, the mother is important and the father is important The family is a system so when the father is more involved each family member benefits from his involvement. Think about the benefits of the involve-ment of fathers which we reviewed in the second workshop. When some fathers are not present or do not participate in family interventions, it is important for the practitioner not to perpetuate this trend of absenteeism or withdrawal, the practitioner should stress to both parents the importance of the role played by the father.

workshop #3 |

T e a m w o r k s h e e t

Team size: 5 team members

Duration: 40 minutes

Introduction

During this exercise we will respond to a father's request for help. The purpose of the exer-cise is not to solve the problem, but to reflect on the father's place and how we can sup-port him in this situation.

What concrete means can we adopt so that fathers are automatically included in our inter-ventions? How do we concretely associate with the father, how do we make room for him right at the beginning of the intervention?

Questions concerning the place of the father In this request for help.

1. How do you perceive this father in this situation? Who is this father? What are his needs.

2. What are the pluses and minuses of the involvement of this father in the life of his child?

3. As a practitioner, what concrete means can you implement or what steps can you take to reach this father and support him in his development as a father ?

Instructions:

1. The trainer provides the team with a help request or the team selects an example of a family help request.

2. Each member reads the help request

3. The team answers the questions above.

4. One of the team member notes key items (ideas, words) on large sheets of paper.

workshop # 3 |

W h a t is t h e i n t e r d e p e n d e n c e b e t w e e n c o m m u n i t y l u s o u r c e s in t h e a r e a o f p a t e r n a l i n v o l v e m e n t

T e a m w o r k s h e e t

Team size: 5 team members

Duration: 35 minutes

Introduction

The purpose of this exercise is to develop links between elements of paternal involvement and community organizations whose mission and practice will influence these elements. Example: A father's feeling of adequacy which organization can have an impact on this element?

Instructions

1. The trainer gives each team 9 cards. Each of the card represents one of the following elements of paternal involvement

1) Fathers' feeling of adequacy; 2) Fathers who are constantly unemployed; 3) Fathers' distrust towards services; 4) Spouses' attitudes and beliefs towards paternal involvement; 5) Child's behaviour; 6) What kind of relationship exists between spouses or ex-spouses?; 7) Are there any potential contacts or exchanges in the community?; 8) Legal practices promoting family mediation; 9) What is usually referred to as the father role in our society.

2. The cards are shared among the team members, i.e. 1 or 2 cards per member.

3. Each team member asks the other team members to identify the agencies who can influence the element on his/her card. The team member then lists the responses on the card at the appropriate place.

workshop #3 |

BEING A WOMAN AND INTERVENING WITH MEN Julie K. Campbell Summary « Actes du Colloque Entre les services et les hommes: Un pont à bâtir o CRl-VIFF, no. 15, October2003

"It is as difficult to intervene with a man as it is with a woman as, regardless of sex, we are always facing a stranger whom we need to understand. On the other hand, since our life experiences concerning interventions have so far been more with women, our reference points to provide help are very feminine".

Following are some important characteristics of our interventions with men:

1. Reflect or... act. Women tend to reflect and men tend to act. Men need to be physical. If we suggest only feminine means (write, talk and draw) it will not be effective

2. Express or... solve. As much as women need to take time to express themselves to feel better, men need to find solutions to their problems. With men, we need to be more concrete, more solution oriented, and quickly ask "What are you going to do with that information?"

3. Share or... close up. When a man faces a problem, he clams up. John Gray calls that reaction the cave. The man is in his cave trying to find a solution. He will not come out until he has found it. Locking himself in a cave is very much a non-verbal communica-tion. He is not physically reacting, he is reacting from the inside.

4. Women cry their anger... men shout their sadness. It is a reality, men are more aggres-sive than women. As practitioners, we must adjust our attitude and our tolerance level when we face aggressiveness. We practice, with them, ways to improve how they say what they want to say. In order to do that, men must learn a new emotional vocabulary.

5. Being aggressive versus being submissive or... being self-assertive. For a man, the opposite to being aggressive is being submissive. An effective way to work with men to change this perception is to help them see that there is a middle ground, and that this middle ground is being self-assertive.

6. Privacy before sex or... sex before privacy. One of the basic differences between men and women is their way of thinking. Intellectually understanding sexuality is a good example. A person must really appreciate how another one thinks before he or she can appreciate his/her pain. Understanding what a man is going through is one thing. For that man to believe he is understood, is another thing.

7. Being a woman practitioner. As a practitioner, I learned not to judge. To be able not to judge, I must question my values. This is even more evident with men because I must question my values as a woman not as just a practitioner.

8. Accept vulnerability little by little. As women, we need to learn to accept men's vulnera-bility a little by little. I quickly understood that we are not as ready as we would like to think to see a man cry.

9. Go behind the surface. Understanding men means not to just accept what we see but to go, with them, behind the surface.

10. Accept that it is not only our way. Working with men in a different way will lead us to a place where we have never been.

11. The coaching attitude. It is important not to give the impression that we are "specialists who will solve everything", we should portray a coach who will accompany and support men in their voyage.

12. Why work so hard? The gut reason? My kids. I want my son to live a different experi-ence. I want him to find his own male identity.

THE MAN AND THE SPOUSE Family life status and pregnancy • Possible ambivalence following the

announcement of the upcoming pregnan-cy to the father to be: • excitement following the confirmation

of the pregnancy, pride in his virility, or

• potential fear of the responsibilities tied to being a father: responsible for the

firimary care of the child and mother food, lodging etc.) - some men will run away or will not face

these responsibilities because they are afraid they will not measure up

• sometimes, they are not sure they are the father: fear based on the fact that they believe their wives cheated on them

• potentially aggressive • "Couvade" reactions:

• men can feel symptoms similar to the ones felt by pregnant women

• these symptoms are varied such as: nausea, vomiting, digestive pain, weight gain, anxiety and sometimes escape (escape in work...)

• What can facilitate the man's transition to his new role as a father: • accept that his freedom will be

changed • accept his new responsibilities

Potential interventions • Ask the mother for the name of the father,

even if the father does not live with her • Ask the man what are his reactions to:

• the pregnancy; • to becoming a father, • to previous pregnancies and deliveries

if he has been a father before this time • Talk with him about some men's reactions

in this situation: they want stability in their life, to settle down, to find work

• Talk to him about his own father: • what has he learned from his relation-

ship with his father - what he would like to imitate • what he would like to avoid

• Talk to him about how important his involvement in the pregnancy will be for the development of his child

• Talk to him about what he has to learn a bout fatherhood and about his spouse's pregnancy

• Be concerned about his well being, about his level of anxiety

• Encourage him to accompany his spouse to the doctor's visits

• Inform him about available resources and accompany him to support group meet-ings, to pre-natal group meetings

• Give him available information, such as the ones proposed in guide number 1

Reference: Prenatal support guide Being born equal - Grow in health

EXAMPLE OF THE IMPLEMENTATION OF A PROGRAM TO INCREASE THE INCLUSION OF FATHER BEING BORN EQUAL - GROW UP IN GQOD HEALTH (NAÎTRE ÉGAUX - GRANDIR EN SANTE)

PRINCIPLES

• Look at the family as a system where each member contributes, including fathers. Promoting paternal involvement does not mean negating the mother's contribution or the problems she is going through, but it is an attempt to find a better balance for the parents and the child.

• Help both parents to become co-parents, i.e.: reach an understanding concerning their own involvement towards the child. Parents must develop a partnership so that each of them can fulfill their roles as parents whatever their relationships with each other, either good or bad, or whatever the type of family they are living in, either nuclear or bi-nuclear.

• Adopta subtle approach which you can adjust to any type of situations and to the differ-ent father types recognizing that fatherhood is an inherent need for men as is also an apprenticeship to individual development.

• Promote men's empowerment The empowerment process is defined as a moment in life when one goes into action in order to attain one or more goals and through this process he learns about himself and about the support network.

• Help men... too: because they are also vulnerable, they have their own life history and their own path and help them even though they express their need for help differently than women.

WHY INTERVENE WITH FATHERS • A man will adjust more quickly to his father role, if he accepts it and gets involved as

soon as possible. • The scientific community recognizes that fathers are important and no longer doubt that

they possess all the required qualities to take care of a child. The implication of fathers in the very young children's lives is associated with their well-being, the increase of their cognitive competence and the development of greater social skills. We now know that fathers just like mothers are sensitive to the needs and the signs of children and are capable to reciprocate these feelings. Fathers have a unique way to interact with their children, for example, they hold their children in a muscular way and they play more rugged games with their children.

• When the father is involved in ways other than providing financial support or sharing domestic chores, both parents feel better and the child benefits from this more favourable family environment

REVEAL FATHERS WHO ARE ECONOMICALLY DISADVANTAGED • Identification of those fathers is the first step: who are they, where are they from, what

do they do ? Even if the father is not physically present in the family, he usually has a link with the family and can be reached.

• Get to know these fathers. Very often, their childhood has been difficult lack of stability, violence etc. and when they reached adulthood, they had problems with the law or were incarcerated (prisons, shelters etc.).

• Recognize that for those fathers, fatherhood is extremely important and that they are driven by the fact they want to be good fathers. This preoccupation is coupled with their desire to be good citizens, good workers and give meaning to their lives.

• Understand that their life experiences may create biases in their vision of the father role in society; for example, they may see themselves as the father who is responsible to show his child how to survive in a world of enemies or the father who champions the cause of the protection of children.

REMOVE OBSTACLES TO ALLOW FULL DEVELOPMENT • For these men, becoming a father is entering into a difficult path, a path full of obstacles:

no legal recognition of their paternity, conflicts with the spouse, unemployment, fear of not being able to fulfill this role, addiction, family pressures etc. On top of all these obsta-cles, they will have to manage three facets of their life: citizen, spouse and father. The intervention should help them overcome these obstacles and also support them in their father role.

FIT INTO SOCIETY AND BECOME A FATHER Fathers who are very poor do not always live with their child and the mother of their child, they are often isolated and suspicious, so how to reach them is a good question. Also, when they live with the mother of the child, few fathers receive direct support. We should : • Recognize their paternity and promote their father role with the mother, the practitioners

and the community. • Support the fathers in their change of lifestyle and in their plans to go back to school and

to look for work. • Support fathers in their fatherhood and in their co-parenting.

A FOUR-STEP INTENVENTION

The introduction

In situations where the father does not live with the mother, ask the mother how to reach the father. A practitioner will contact him. It can be a male practitioner from the health unit or a male practitioner from a community agency.

Before the birth. For the fathers who live with the mothers, show an interest in their pro-jects and refer them to the appropriate practitioner or the appropriate agency. Find out how things are with the couple and refer them to pre-natal meetings. Be sensitive to their ambivalence concerning pregnancy: excitement but fear of not being able to take on the responsibilities as their fathers, as well as the physical and psychological changes which the spouse will be going through. Include them in the intervention (call them directly, find out when they are home, send them invitations, provide them with specific information). Encourage them to accompany their spouse to the visits to the doctors and talk to them about their role at the delivery. Encourage them to get involved in the organization of the birth (look for baby furniture, look for an apartment, a car seat etc.).

After the birth. For the fathers who live with the mothers, show an interest in their projects and refer them to the appropriate practitioner or the appropriate agency. Find out how the parents are getting along with regard to the care of the child and, if required, refer them to support services for parents. Include them in the intervention (call them directly, find out when they are home, send them invitations, provide them with specific information and show them how important they are in the life of their child. Insist on the development of the bond between father and child. Emphasize the baby's reactions to the father's actions. Encourage them to do things with the child (play with the baby, take the baby for a stroll etc.). Congratulate them for their participation to the family life (cook, support their spouse who is breastfeeding, go to the doctor's visits, make sure all is safe at home, take care of the older children etc.).

The relay

If it is required, fathers will be directed to: • A male practitioner who offers personal accompaniment or an accompaniment to other

resources. • Or, directly, to an agency or a support group for fathers.

THE MULTI-SECTOR ACTION

In addition to the usual partners, partner with: legal, family mediation, work counsellors, police, recreation and sport representatives.

Invite community and agency representatives to attend group meetings to discuss the involvement of father, the elements which can either increase or decrease this involve-ment, the impact on the child, the impact on the mother and father, or invite them to family outings where fathers interact with their children.

Promote the implementation of meeting places where fathers can express themselves. Also ensure that each partner, following their mission and the common vision between partners, introduces or includes in their annual calendar one or two father-specific activi-ties. These activities could be developed by one agency alone or in partnership with others in order to promote paternal involvement and to include fathers into the socio-professional arena.

Also develop interventions concerning co-parenthood. These could be classes where both men and women would be invited but would address specifically the importance of the father role and the family mediation services for couples who are experiencing problems or for couples going through a divorce.

Political actions and media interventions

Three types of influence: • Poverty in families and employment; • Legal aspects and rights and responsibilities linked to parenthood; • The place and the role of father in society.

de développement O R D E R F O R M de réseaux locaux de services de santé et de services sociaux /n > i ES ES Quebec ra n "̂Montréal c9H*An..i Santé publique

QUANTITY PUBLICATION TITLE

Changing Fathers, Evolving Practices. Participant Guide Workshop 1 : Awareness of the role of the fathers, Workshop 2 : Make room for fathers in our agencies and services, Workshop 3 : Development of individual and collective practices, Workshop 4 : Promoting paternal involvement

PRICE PER UNIT (All costs included)

TOTAL

20$

ISBN OR ISSN NUMBER

2-89494-418-7

CLIENT INFORMATION

N a m e

Organization

Address No. Street Apt

City Postal Code

Telephone Fax

Orders can be paid in advance by cheque or money order, payable to the Direction de santé publique de Montréal

Information : (514) 528-2400, extension 3646.

Return to the following address :

Centre de documentation Direction de santé publique de Montréal 1301, rue Sherbrooke Est Montréal (Québec) H2L 1M3 http://www.santepub-mtl.qc.ca

LA PRÉVENTION

EN ACTIONS

Garder notre monde en santé